I have been from broken relationships, and those experiences have given me a phobia that I believe would make my life miserable forever. However, I am still optimistic that somehow, around the bend of my life, I would finally find happiness. I don’t want to sound sentimental, but honestly, the happiness that I meant here is finding someone who will love me endlessly.
I’ve been so deeply in love before, and I thought that it would last a lifetime, but I was wrong. The sad truth is no matter how many ups and downs you have been through together, no matter, even if he have promised you with teary eyes that he would never fall out of love with you, and would never leave you, it all can change. Time changes and so are feelings. That is the fact that woke me up from my fairytale world.
One day, you might just wake up, and feel that the person who loved you yesterday suddenly change the way he looks at you. You will feel it, you will have a hint of it, but the fear and the denial will cloud those suspicions. I have been there. And the fact of the matter is, it did not end well. The suspicions are proven to be true.
The fear of Losing someone’s love is common. And this fear comes from a great love. There might be a hint of selfishness here like you are afraid of the pain of losing that person and being left alone.One effect of losing someone’s love is having that feeling of unworthiness. That feeling that you are not good enough, you are not beautiful enough, and then comes the depression.
I have been there. I carried the heartache, the hatred and the feeling of being alone against the world and the people who hurt me for a long time. But behind that negativity in my life, I never lost hope. I know, that if God has let me suffer this much, then he might have something bigger for me. This thought somehow became the light in my path.
At first, my prayers were like this, “Please make him love me again, get him to come back.” But as time goes by, my prayers became, “Please Lord, heal me. Please make me forget and please give me a heart that can forgive.’ Then the prayers change into; “Thank you, Lord, for everything, thank you, Lord, for standing by me.”See the changes? We get hurt, we will hate, but we can forgive, then we are healed. People change, and so are feelings. It is sad but most of the time good.
My Newfound Love
And then one day, I woke up feeling different. Dark clouds are gone, no trace of hatred and pain in my heart. You might be wondering how and when it started. Well, I began to heal when I met someone new. I am busy attending to my life and entertaining this new man who seems so interested in me. The work, the daily talk, the socialization, travels, have not given me the chance to think about the past. Instead, it gave me an opportunity to see the world differently and see life positively again.
Day by day, our friendship gets deeper, until without even realizing it, I am falling in love with him. That day I woke with a smile, I woke up feeling fresh, and it seems that my new chapter has started. That is the day that I was totally healed.
But then, as the relationship grows and the love becomes deeper, the fear that I once have come back. This fear of losing him, or losing his love is like a demon that gives me anxieties and dark shadows of my past begin to haunt me again. It ruins my supposedly new found happiness.
Call me crazy and paranoid. I have so many doubts, so many suspicions that are totally baseless. But fortunately, this man is different. This man has patience and extensive understanding of my emotions. He is different from THEM. The way he treated me, the way he understands me and loves me despite my flaws is so amazing. And the love of this man for me is definitely a gift from God.God has indeed have given me someone who loves me unconditionally.
I can’t forget that time that this man said to me.
“ I want you to learn how to stand on your own feet. So for now, I will do anything to get you started. To have a comfortable life and to prepare for your future. I promise you that I will always be here and I will always make your life easier. But, you have to think that even I want and would choose to be with you forever, I don’t own my life. One day, I will be gone, who know, I will die because of sickness or who knows, I want you to be prepared, I want you to be able to continue living comfortably. I want you to have a better future even without me. If you choose to love again, I want you to choose well. Choose someone who will love you as I do to you. Choose someone who will do the things I did for you. And that, I will be happy for you..”
Those words, are the sincerest and the kindest that a man has ever said to me. All the pain and the bad memories in the past seems like a dream that never exists now. That moment I realized that God gave me this man. I realized that this man has a love so pure and genuine. How lucky I am, I thought.And that moment I cried. I am crying maybe because I am at last happy, or maybe because, someday I could lose him too.
Now, my fear is not about losing his love. But it is about losing him in this life. And this is the worst fear ever. I couldn’t do anything about it. I have this fear because of my love for him
The fear is love. But once you realize the love, and take action on that, there is no point to the fear. Fear is immobilizing; love is energizing.