Finding “me”

Before I became what I am now, I am the type of a girl who depends so much on everything and anyone close to me. My perception of happiness is growing old with the one I love and being surrounded by the people who will accept me for what I am. Being alone was my worst fear.

When I met you, I thought I had found the one who is the answer to my long time prayer.
You are the one that I depend on, the one who will never hurt me and leave me. But when time came that everything in the world I created shattered, because reality struck me like a loud thunder.

You are not the one I thought you would be.
I trusted you to be on my side come what may, I trusted you my heart, my dream, and my world, but the reality is, it was never you. Instead, you have shattered my heart into pieces, and it makes me weaker and seems like living is no sense at all.

It was the end of my happiness, I thought. Because of my fear of losing you forever, I have done stupid things just to get you back. And on the process, my hopes are slowly disappearing. I was losing. But fortunately, I was wrong. Falling in love again is a magic that heals every wound.

Yes, I was scared to trust and give my heart again. But loving is more than that. And when you meet the one who will make you feel alive, it is something that will surely change you. The fear is still there, but I learn to enjoy the moment even though deep inside I know it will never last, like the first time. When time comes to say goodbye, I will never chase anyone again. Instead, I will happily let go and be thankful that it happened.

And so the time came to say goodbye to the strange but sweet feelings again, I have learned to let go without a grudge. I am aware that I am becoming stronger now, and it seems my perception in life has changed a lot. Now, I have proven that happiness cannot be found in someone.

Being with someone is not a basis to be happy. I have proven that even though you are alone, you can find a lot of ways to be happy. You just need to think of all the goodness around you. Finding the real you is the best way to know how to be happy.

I hated you. But today, the memory just makes me smile. Because I am stronger now. I don’t need anyone to defend me. I don’t need anyone to make me happy. I can fall in love anytime, and I will never feel scared again. Even if love will fail me, it is okay.Because I know the pain won’t last, and there are so many things to be thankful after all.

What matters most, this time, is I have found myself again.

 

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